| goodbye kiddos |
[13 Dec 2003|01:23pm] |
<333 ive decided, that this journal - needs to be retired, im not going to delete it, because there is so much in it that means something to me - but, im definitly not going to continue to write it in. the point in my life has come, where i have decided to throw out the past - and along with that, goes the memorys. i will add you who i beleive give me support,and comments & such, the rest of you - can suck dicks for all i care =]
new journal: 77_
always
lydia
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| >>> |
[12 Dec 2003|12:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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sick boy, again |
] |
I had this long talk with treavor last night, about trust - and how im completely petrified of it now, because truely when someone promises you something...and goes against it, what are you suppose to beleive? and well..who? - i dunno, im gonna be ok - i realize now that this is it, and to him - it doesnt matter. ofcourse it matters to me, it always has - but i can tell you this, it wont "always will" because i wont spend my life in the past. doing that gets me nowhere. im just so sick, of getting hurt by people. im getting to the point that im takeing all the pain im feeling, and not giveing a shit about people. like today, i told angela off - shes really conceited, and needs constant attention from people - to remind herself that shes ok, and well..she can be a real cunt about it sometimes, she asked me why i hated her - this was as i was walking away, and i said i dont know, she said im gonna cry - and i said ok. im jus sick of being so nice to people, when all people do - is fuck me over, and feed me bullshit.bthis is it, this is goodbye - this is a new begining to a chapter in my life that has dissapeered into nothing. and i call tell all of you this, i fucking hate every minute of it.
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| bleh |
[11 Dec 2003|06:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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sick boy - social distortion |
] |
im getting to that point that i dont
even feel like writeing, its like..
theres so much on my mind, and yet
i cant even begin to explain it all.
what ever happends, it will change
soon, because either i am let go..
or i am held onto.
i love you all
<3 lydia
(ps. i will answer your comments now - im sorry i havent lately, ive jut been.....undertheweather i guess you could say)
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| <3 |
[09 Dec 2003|08:35pm] |
i think i may have realized something
that could help me greatly, who knows.
ive got a cold, and i feel sick, i love
you all
<33
ps. hows life in the hood? {random gang sign} lmao
<33
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| why?? |
[07 Dec 2003|06:32pm] |
i wear my hair down, just the way you like it.
i drink doctor pepper because it reminds me of you.
i love you, just the way u i used to.
i know your in there....
show me something, anything..to make me feel as
if im doing this for a reason....
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| ask away |
[07 Dec 2003|02:49pm] |
Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1. porn addiction
2. constantly paranoid
3. thinkig the worse
4. not only swearing, useing the word CUNT - & Slag
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. shoes i actually liked
2. lots'a money
3. my own house/apartment
4. scott....=/
Name Four Scents You Love:
1. Moth balls
2. Cotton Candy
3. Dp
4. cookies being baked
Name Four People That Know You the Best:
1. Josh
2. Autumn
3. Hans
4. Scott..
Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
1. underwear
2. matching socks
3. ties
4. suspenders
Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. that i should take off my pajama pants & put on normal ones
2. that i dont understand why someone would walk 500 miles, and walk 500 more.....
3. how nice it would be to sleep for about 3 months
4. the one person who never leaves my mind
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. cleaned my room
2. washed the hair dye off my skin
3. cleaned my room
4. cleaned my room
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
1. slim jim =D
2. Steak egg and cheese sandwhich from mcdonalds {minus the egg}
3. bubble gum pink, and raspberry hair dye + bleach kit
4. chinese food, at panda
Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like:
1. Ani Defranco
2. me first and the gimme gimmes
3. the beastie boys....................
4. run dmc.....................=]
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. Faygo {minus moon mist & grape pop}
2. Mt. Dew
3. Grape juice
4. dp
First Grade Teacher's Name? mrs.washburn, later to be found out- she was instatuionalized{sp} for being a skitzo {no joke}
Last Words You Said: oh great
Last Song You Sang? "youve got a friend" cover - me first
Last Person You Hugged? i think owen hugged me. {didnt hug back}
Last Thing You Laughed At? i cant even remember. probably something that had to do with josh, being - well.....josh
Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It? thursday night.
Last Time You Cried? in bed this morning.
What's In Your CD Player? a mixed cd
What Color Socks Are You Wearing? black
What's Under Your Bed? only jesus knows that question.
What Time Did You Wake Up Today? abou 9, but laid in bed till 1
Current Taste? french bread
Current Hair? really grungey looking - with elmers glue in it =X
Current Clothes? horror business misfts shirt, green plaid pajama pants, dvs shoes, and hans's gray zip up hoody.
Current Annoyance? my dad
Current Longing? trying to make him realize, that there is something tolive for.
Current Desktop Picture? lmfao..its black..with these gray squares - i put it there, because i couldnt stand looking at the pic of scott i had on it - autumn got a real kick out of it "ohhh yeah lydia! thats sooooo much better...wait...WTF is that?!"
Current Worry? not any worrys really, numb.
Current Hate? emotion.
Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex? Eyes, hip bones - smile.
Last CD You Bought? I dont buy cds.
Favorite Place To Be? corny...in his arms.
Least Favorite Place? here.
Time You Wake Up In The Morning 6:15
If You Could Play An Instrument? Drums.
Favorite Color? neon pink, or neon green - black too
Do You Believe In An Afterlife? ill getback to you on that one.
How Tall Are You? 5'4
Current Favorite Word/Saying? crispy christ...=X
Favorite Season? Autumn.
One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To: Chris
Favorite Day? Friday, its a half day - and normally im out doing something.
Where Would You Like To Go? lets not answer this one.
What Is Your Career Going To Be Like? somehing i enjoy, happiness - thats all that mattes.
How Many Kids Do You Want? 1
Favorite Car? something old school
Type A Line You Remember From Any Book: "dont think of it as running away..think of it as......running too" - catch22 {yes its a book you idots}
A Random Lyric: "have i waited too long..have i found that someone..." hated that song, never liked nfg - but it got pounded in my h ead by someone
Identify some of the things surrounding your computer:
1. a picture of scott on my cpu, sittin there
2. a poem from when i was depressed
3. my keys, and 435873498548934 key chains
4. my bed
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| yes |
[06 Dec 2003|02:24pm] |
My head feels calm - and very determinded. my grandfather is in the hospital, yet hes in Az right now - and were still here in michigan. im really scared. scott is, ..not scott - not even close to himself, in any way - he needs me right now, but i really need him too. i dont think he realizes that, someone truely needs him. friday was boring, i got home - and slept, i woke up, but laid in bed, because i didnt feel a wanting to get out of bed. The things in life that drain you of all emotion, and hurt you - & yet you still feel the need to want, are the things that are truely worth fighting for. i will fight until i cannot fight for you anymore, and at that point - i will be nothing.
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| beleive me, chuck - were not in mexico anymore |
[05 Dec 2003|09:39pm] |
elayissex: josh what if u were with some girl..and while u were haveing sex..she shit all over your bed?
AnrchistPunkOi: hmm
AnrchistPunkOi: i'd sock her in the face and throw her out the window
elayissex: what about the shit?
AnrchistPunkOi: throw it at her
elayissex: that would be so disgusting
AnrchistPunkOi: lol
AnrchistPunkOi: yeah
elayissex: literally
elayissex: like really, if that REALLY happend
elayissex: like u were going at it and shes like UH UH UH - and ur like ohh shes about to orgasm and then BAM she SHITS all over the place
elayissex: i think id probably not want to have sex with her anymore
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| fuck you life |
[05 Dec 2003|12:37pm] |
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i cant stop crying, my eyes feel like their on fire. i feel nothing, apsolutely nothing. i talked to scott, and mostly the truth was told - ive done nothing...hes depressed, he feels like he has nothing in life...im trying so hard, im trying so fucking hard. i feel like a mess, i cant concentrate - cant think, i dont want to be anywhere. i just want to sit by myself and constantly cry my eyes out. it kills me to know, that hes feeling the way he does. it upsets me so much its unbeleiveable. and there is nothing i can do to make him feel better, i have to watch him act as if hes not even himself anymore - and be there for him, because i cant not be there. and i want him so bad. i want to scream and run, and i dont ever want to look back. i just want to go, i want to change everything - i want to make everything feel ok and safe, and yet i cant. im chokeing on my tears, i cannot stop crying - i just want to go back in time. i want to feel safe again, i want to feel fucking safe - i want love. if only people understood how hard i was crying right now, but you cant feel that emotion - you cant see it. i hide everytihng, i was asked so many times today if i was ok, and all i could do was nod and say yes. i dont know what to do, what to think - i want this all to dissapeer...i want my baby....i want to see him happy - sometimes i make myself sick with how much i care, its not like i shouldnt...but if i was cold and heartless i would react to things so much nicer than i do now - instead i care so much, it tears me apart. it makes me feel pain for him, and i hate it. please god stop this.
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| getting so tired |
[04 Dec 2003|04:22pm] |
at the moment ive got a highlighting cap on my head, so i can put pink streaks in my hair. i think in a few im going to go watch life as a house. i FUCKING LOVE - that movie. i dunno what im gonna do this weekend, me and ashley might do something - i might hang out with K, - who knows. my stomachs kinda upset - im so sick of eating fast food, already - i might jus start eating something healthy there. we almost had a heart attack because ashley is suppose to have this discount card, and get 50% of all food - except those bitchs..its only for the mcdonalds u work at, damn them. we left during 6th hour again - and went to meijers to turn in some film. angela came with us....i dislike her - so very much, and ashley was jus about pissing her pants, cuz angela is all clingy and shit on me, and she knows i dont like her. hot guy=not hot - they all think he is, but it doesnt really matter to me - im sick of hot guys, all they seem to do is hurt me anyways. actually, im just sick of love and guys in general. i have the worse luck - they either A. are obsessed with me or B. dont know how to teat someone right. im thinking of growing back my eye brows, lmao - i need to do something drastic to myself, i do this every break up - maybe ill start dressing like a girl. no, that wouldnt happen. god im so sick of everything, i want to sleep for 2 years & along with that - i want someone, to really "see" me.
<333
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| ooouchieee |
[03 Dec 2003|03:26pm] |
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we skipped again today. i know ashley doesnt wanna be there, and i sure as hell dont either. lose your boyfriend, start skipping school - lol, it actually DOES make you feel better. {no worries kids, ill still be an A student} - we went to meijers and looked at shit for her car, i wanted to get her a cheetah print steering wheel cover - but those douches, they didnt have one that i liked. - then i went to see if they had my pink duct tape, because they did last time - and exnay, fuck them i swear. i hate meijers, its so boring. skipping school is a bad habbit, but ive been doing it so much lately - its unbeleiveable. didnt get back from lunch until 1220, lunch is over at 1130 ;) - but thats ok. ive got to this point that im jus like ok fuck this, idont have any reason for..well - anything, and im jus sick of trying to be perfect for my parents - when now, i dont have anything i truely want them to do for me. I thougth i was going to die when she was listening to three six mafia, it reminded me of him for some reason - but i bit my lip and felt ok. - just remember that time heals all wounds..but dont forget, some scars cannot be fixed. i dont feel bad, i will let you know this - i dont feel as if he was treating me right..funny thing.....i hated the begining..and the end - the begining because, i was afraid to give him my heart - the end because, it was his - and he didnt treat it the way he should have. i guess you could say i never wanted to say goodbye, but sometimes..you need to see past everything,and realize that sometimes - ppl need you, at points in their life - and when they get past those points, they have no use for you anymore. i guess that was it, but damn that kills me. theres something that kills me...completely rips my heart apart - im about 99.9% positive - that if i were to see scott, i drop every worry and care - and run right back into his arms, and it kills me - knowing..that he wasnt there, and that - that, will never happen.
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| for the life of me - i cannot beleive |
[02 Dec 2003|03:55pm] |
im great. today was awesome, lol - we were all in a fuck this mood, and jus did what we wanted. we got back from lunch late, because we went to meijers - to talk to this really hot guy i know who works there. it was weird, he was bagging grocerys - and he stopped dead in the middle of it, and turned - and smiled at me. but he wasnt working, so we went to taco bell - and i ate my chicken quiesedilla - then at about..2:20ish, me and ashley decided - that class was lame, and we jus kinda...left - she took me back cuz i had to be there for my ride, and she had to be to work by 3:00 - but we drove around for about 25 minz listening to her - ...MUSIC, lol im not even going to put words to it. and i called nick and told him to tell hans not to leave me, he gave me a hard time - but thats the nick thing to do, and told hans to leave without me - i was like "NO0O NO NO NO NO" and i guess he had me on speaker phone - that dick. he colored all over me with a highlighter, lol - and im like dude watch me have an allergic reaction to this {itch itch} - hah but i didnt tho, so its OK. - tomorrow angelas comeing with us to lunch and im like like eh - bleh, but its ok, ill make her sit in the back seat. and hopefully she'll smack her head on the seat belt like i did, lmao - {that hurt so bad}
anyways, im out
ps. this is getting over you.
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| the taste of nail polish |
[01 Dec 2003|08:45pm] |
just know this, no matter where you are
and what you are doing - not matter who your
with, part of me is with you - part of me is
in you...part of me always has you on my mind
and that part of me - holds you close, and never
lets go.
ps. you did have something to run from..someone
- the world was given to me, and it was ripped to pieces
within one email - thats when i realized, i wasnt special anymore.
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| ps. im sorry |
[01 Dec 2003|04:17pm] |
i think im going to have to get used to bone thugs - their all ashley plays
and lunch now, will be spent with her - because she has a car, and cars
are warm - and well, she loves me <333 we got chinese food today
she kept asking if i was ok - not directed twords her..but really, i am
sick of being asked if im alright - do you think im truely alright??
because no, im not. something is missing, something that was such a
huge part of me, has been ripped out of me - and you want to know
how im feeling?? FUCKING PEACHY. i texted him, because i cant go
on letting him think that all the things i said - are really true - could i
ever..ever - really mean half of the shit i said? im lydia...sorry im not a
huge cunt. he did hurt me, im not going to say he didnt - but shit happends.
people change, and people make different decisions - and sometimes,
they are afraid to let you go - for fear of hurting you. truth ?? the
real reason i left scott?? - he left me...before, and i couldnt stand sitting
there, as he fell asleep on me..and said he'd be on...or didnt show at all..
and truely make myself beleive, that scott really did want to still be with me
i cant help it...im sorry, if it was all a lie - if this was something my mind
did to me but i couldnt do it to myself - because it hurt so badly - to
hold onto something..and have it somewhere else, not realizeing
that you love it, as much as you do - and need it, like you do..i didnt feel
like i was the same girl, he fell for before - like he didnt see the things he
saw in me, that he used to see...i cant help it, i cant - there is this huge
ammount of pain im feeling - its incredible. ive never felt so much hurt
in my whole life, and want it to all dissapeer and go away - what i want?
him. a part of me, will always want him - but that same part of me, holds
up my awareness - and tells me you cant want him...when he, doesnt want
you. i hate that knot in my throat that forms when ppl ask me about me
and him. amanda asked me how it went seeing him..and i had to explain
that that didnt happen - that i broke up with him.....and she asked why, and
all i could say was.....he didnt love me anymore. and that alone made me
cry, then she was listening to icp..as usual - and i felt like i was going to die
like this huge part of me had just been hit by a semi - and i couldnt handle
it anymore, i had to ask her to turn it off...and i cried, and cried - and i couldnt
stop. i dont want this feeling, it hutrs so badly - i dont want this, i want it to
go away - no one is to blame for this, not myself - not him, love is to blame.
fucking love i swear...why does it have to be so hard, and why cant i just
have him. why couldnt i just be there..with him...then maybe this wouldnt
have happend..maybe he would...have payed attention to the important
things..and realized that i needed him..i didnt just want him..if i was going
to be with him..i needed him. i want to cry until i cant cry anymore and
then maybe at that point - i will feel ok. what kills me the most is that im
the only one, still..im the only one - and i feel this, and it hurts..and yet
i sit and cry, while hes off being scott - normal scott, and i cant help hateing
myself for falling in love....i feel so disgusting, i came home and took a shower
i looked at myself in the mirror and i fucking hate myself. when i was with him
it was like...i had this sense of ok, because i was with someone who was..to me
- gorgeous, and that alone..made me stand out...made me feel so much
better about myself. and now im alone, very fucking alone..and i have to deal
with this - i have to be strong enough to take care of myself..for once
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| this kills me, every bit of me |
[30 Nov 2003|09:44pm] |
i had atleast 20 pictures on here
of me and him & jus him, and i had to delete
them..not because i dont want
memorys..because when ever i see
them, it completely tears me apart
but deleteing them....killed me even more.
because i feel like i jus deleted..
him. why does this have to kill me so much
why cant everything just be ok..
why did this happen......why couldnt
we just be happy...
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| off the heezy |
[30 Nov 2003|04:40pm] |
my new website is slam77.oh-my.org
just watched wrong turn - scared the
EFF outta me - hung out with joes girlfriend, lmao ohh
her names emily - btw, shes not jus joes girlfriend
haha & her friend jack - and some other kid
saw ashley at meijers as we were sitting in the
recliners - she got her license!! chinese food
monday bitchs!!
* wrote scott an email, explaining myself
and my actions - probably wont read it..
but hell, he really needs to. its a choice
factor, i made mine - im still left wondering
if it was the right one.*
later >>>
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| & id do it all again |
[30 Nov 2003|11:07am] |
|
People keep asking me, how i remain so calm. I guess i didnt really think about it, enough - to put it into words. For the past 2 months or so, ive kinda been prepareing myself - for everything that is happening now. Ive been telling myself that soon enough, you are going to have to let him go - and that is what he needs. At this point, i want myself to hate him - because i want to make it easier to let him go. And ive said really shitty things to him, to get him to hate me too - but i dont hate him...i couldnt. i just want it to be easy to let go of, and ofcourse it never could be - seeing that he truely defined love to me. what i had with scott, was like magic - and thats why, i prepared myself knowing - that if i didnt, i would be devestated. i dont sit around and cry, and i dont mope and act depressed - because i know thats not what hes doing. I know that if i show him a sense of weakness, and that i am feeling more pain then he is - that some how he will be able to use that against me. Im also a firm beleiver in, everything happends for a reason - and there must be a reason to this, or - it wouldnt have happend. I hope, truely i do - for his happiness, and that he finds someone he loves more than he ever loved me. I know most people dont understand how i could even be seeing that, but im not a bitter selfish x. i want him truely, to be happy - i love him enough, to want him to be happy. and i dont beleive that with me he was truely that happy,- because if he was, maybe he would have showed it & not done the stupid things he did do - and never realized were wrong, until i told him they were affecting me. I let myself be the blame for everything, every little problem we had - i pinned on myself, and the thing is...he let me. he didnt want to deal with the fact that maybe, it wasnt me - maybe he really was doing something wrong, and i coudlnt allow myself the pain anymore. i put myself into our relationship, i worked my ass off - never did i give something so much effort, and sometimes....when you feel like truely, you are the only one who is working your ass off...and trying, and fighting - you cant do it, you just cant. you cant be the only one. and maybe i wasnt worth it enough to him, to fight like i fought for him - but thats ok too. i will not hold onto him, i will let myself go foward, and keep my head up knowing that my someone is out there...and maybe all my hard work, was worth nothing - but makeing me stronger. i will not give my heart out this easily, i will not allow myself to beleive in love like i did - but maybe someday, i will experience this love again. and maybe then, all of this will make more sense.
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| </3 |
[29 Nov 2003|10:06pm] |
i hate you.
i fucking hate you.
all your lies.
all your bullshit.
i hate you so much.
and i love you, at the same time
..i have no idea why.
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| why do i go on trying |
[28 Nov 2003|01:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
crass - banned from the roxy |
] |
& somewhere, hes trying to blame me
and yet he knows i havent dont nething
he knows there is no reason to even
try to blame me - and it kills him
to know...that this is him - this pain
he feels, is from treating me as if i
was invisible, and he wants to blame
me, but he just cant - he cant.
couldnt sleep last night kept
haveing dreams about him - they were
horrible, not bad dreams even - that
was the problem, my mind was fucking
with me, and i woke up crying. i cant
deal with this, i cant deal with this
from him - hes on his own, unless
he does something very drastic and crazy
besides that - goodbye - are the only 2
words i can use to classify a departure.
Always;
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| what a disaster |
[27 Nov 2003|09:16pm] |
i cant explain today. happy thanksgiveing, to all of you. i hope your all happy, i truely - mean that. Today were suppose to think of the things were thankful for, i would give anything..to go back a year. Back to when, i had alot to be thankful for. but i do have some, im thankful for the people who love me, and will never hurt me. Thank you Autumn, for being there - always. Thank you josh, i love you - for always listening to what i have to say. Thank you a few people on here, like bianca & essa, even if we grow distant - a part of my heart will always hold a place for you. Thank you hans, for being my big brother - and watching out for me..even though we call each other cunt, and douche - regularly, and people think were either A.going out or B. related - thanx to all the new people i have met..and all the old people i have left beind........& thank you scott,....for bringing me to life, when i needed you to....Thank you for the good times, and for the bad. And everything ive lost, and everything ive gained. i will not thank the feelings i have inside my head right now, i cannot be thankful for them - but maybe someday i will understand them. Thank you billy idol - for haveing a nice ass, back in the day. Thank you Oi, for running through my veins and being my push up - when i am down. Thank you Mr.daniels......for being there, when i needed you....
im not sure what will happen. im not sure i can be strong enough to let him fade into a memory and not remember the times he pulled my hair out of my eyes, and whipped the tears away from my cheek bones - when i cried. im not sure i can push it in a box....and lock it away...but i guess i have to learn to try......
Always
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